Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dawn of the Assholes


Don’t let anyone ask you, “What’s all this Hoopla about?” If they don’t know, you sure as hell don’t have to tell them. Unless of course you have just been waiting…just been itching for some dumb scunt to be a dumb enough scunt to ask you what you’re doing so you can set them on the right track.

The world is comprised by haves and have nots, and I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about something intrinsic to the very nature of being alive. Don’t ask me how they did it, but a large portion of society has derived a way to live without a soul. These are the assholes who don’t know what’s DOWN. They might as well be flesh eating zombies, and like Roger, from Dawn of the Dead, we are going to whip them. “WHIP THEM AND TAKE IT ALLL”

But I’m getting ahead of myself…or is that just my writing style? I won’t be so presumptuous as to assume I have a “writing style.” That seems like a gimmick “writers” use to legitimatize their writing. As far as I’m concerned writing is fluid and depends largely on circumstance. Take this one for example; I’m at work, hunched over my desk so no one knows I’m not writing reports but writing posts. This circumstance has led me to think and type at an increased rate as to avoid being spotted. Hence me getting always getting ahead of myself and jumping into the details of things before letting everyone know what it is that I’m talking about.

If they want to call that a writing style I’m all for it. But I know that can’t be too accurate because half the time I read something I wrote on this site and wonder if I was on acid. But let’s try to stay focused. Striving for my BCOMM is costing me my soul, and I have already had the unique displeasure of witnessing the mass amounts of students in this higher learning educational institutions that would sell their mothers gravestone for a AMEX Black Card. Obviously the strife for and lust for financial security, (security meaning BMWs, expensive champagnes, complex and vast real estate portfolios) Listen, the scope for this topic is way larger than this post so I’ll just say you soulless demons know who you are and stay off my BLOCK.

Being a young adult these days is like trying to decide whether to be a movie star or recording artist. All the Hipsters want to be straight edge and all the straight edge kids want to be bad as fuck. Half the time it comes out looking like queer as folk, and if you don’t understand its because I’m just playing with words, there’s very little meat here to digest but I guess if there’s a theme to this it would be. Ummm…..Be Yourself. Yea I like that one. Just be yourself guys, if you don’t know what’s going on, that’s probably the way it’s meant to be, don’t ask some dude with a Sperry’s on what’s happening because that’s just not your crowd. When you know what’s going on it want feel like Hoopla anyway. It will feel like David Bowie or Stars.

Respek to Rusi, the cell phone post made me laugh in my throat a little.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Get on my music nuts


So I'm usually not one to shamelessly promote musicians/DJs that I may or may not know, but this guy has been doing big things recently and deserves some recognition.
As far as DJs go, not much is really noticed by the masses in the realm of skill, especially when most of the audience is girls and guys who often times don't even really like the particular genre and just came for the cheap drinks/to look cool/to get hit on by hipsters etc.
One thing I've noticed about every one of DJ Scratchsmith's sets is that the crowd actually gets excited. Balancing a killer selection with sharp skills and an overall pleasing demeanour, DJ Scratchsmith is worth watching out for.

Check out his Facebook Page and Myspace

Seriously


Monday, October 26, 2009

There Will Be Posts!

For the last month and change I've read blog posts on the blog I had the audacity to create by my darling compatriots. I couldn't help but think of the critically acclaimed movie, "There will be blood." When the main protagonist, (or is he the antagonist?) Kneels on his knees at the front of a small church and exclaims, "I'VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! I'VE ABANDONED ME CHILD!" Yes I have, and like Mr. Plainview I'm going to bring it back and nurture it with an expensive steak meal with milk and whisky.

Listen, I wouldn't say I'm proud of myself, but who is these days? I rather write but I have fucking priorities. And by fucking priorities I mean actually fucking girls. Not really, but you all expect me to be cool. Well I'm not cool, I just write as one on a blog. (I actually am DOPE though.)

This is getting out of hand, I'm getting emotional, my hand is qwaivering (obviously quivering and waivering) and I feel like I'm about to puke because I'm drunk. I'm going to put you all on a train. Picture a large freight train because that's the kind of train it is. Its kind of dark and cold inside. There may or may not be a mexican inside. That's up to you, and I won't take the paint brush out of your hand. Go ahead, create a masterpiece. This train your on? It's not stopping in L.A, or New York. It's not stopping in Toronto or B.C. It's not stopping in Tokyo, Seoul or Istanboul. That's because it's not stopping at all. Its a terrifying, exhilerating ride that you are on for the rest of your life. Partake in the festivities, or don't see if I even care.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

False Prophets Inside a Giant Hot Air Ballon Face. For Real.


So I'm in the library wondering why people put their phone on vibrate then leave it in front of them. I'm wondering because often my mind drifts when it faces an illogical situation. Here is what I am having trouble with...

(cell+vibration)/distance = intensity of touch stimulus; where distance must be greater than inside your body.

So as you can see the further you get from the cell vibration the less effective it is at activating your sense of touch. I guess if you are not concerned with your sense of touch and simply want to be alerted then placing the phone on a desk in front of you will work, for instance;

(cell+vibration)x(DESK) = loud fucking noise

notice the positive relationship between the desk and cell vibration. Of course we must hold the desk constant and increase the vibration to a level suitable to make loud fucking noise.

I must excuse my self for the second formula because it only works in a perfect experimental environment. For instance under normal library hours the circumstances dictate the following formula;


the sum of[(n)x(DESK)^2 - distance]; where n is the number of cellphones vibrating between the limit of 0 - infinity, and distance is constant
= (loud fucking noise + smack in da mouth)X(intensity of smack in da mouth)

distance remains constant because we are in a cramped QUIET lab. The second formula is now exponential because again we are in a cramped QUIET lab.

prescribe your own medicine and dance. Okay stop dancing and punch. Okay stop punching. What have you learnt other than these three moves. Well its a good thing I'm here to teach you. Salivate all you want vegetables are still edible, meat must be killed and stories will be told.

Garnishing the backlash of stability will never persuade the conservative mind. And who are you not to listen if I am not to tell. Of course you should be happy. Just watch for the snakes, the liars, the hilarious to others, the options, the past, the deleted, the faces. Definitely watch for the faces.

I was with a group of people who thought I couldn't hear them. I wish I couldn't. When you get older you don't care. When you don't care you don't care.

No seriously be happy, but don't care. If you care everyone will find something else to care about. **edit** Cowards (sorry forgot that part)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Low kick to hyper to hadouken to high kick to super to throw to light punch, light punch heavy punch to hyper














I swear to god I would kick the ever living shit out of you.
Given the opportunity I might just lose it and beat some asshole within an inch of their life.
I would throw elbows, spinning hook kicks, plum knees, and did I mention I can shoot fireballs?
I'm getting ahead of myself.

I have a black belt in Karate. I've done kickboxing, traditional boxing, and right now I'm practising muay thai and jiu jitsu. I've been doing this stuff since I was in the eighth grade and it's really the only thing close to a sport apart from snowboarding and that I'm not completely incompetent at.
No I am not good at basketball. Get over it.

Now please understand that I don't want to come across as someone who's fronting. I am not a fronter.

For the sake of clarity:



(That's a picture of me not fronting)

I don't go around beating people up for fun, I don't even do it for practice.
In all honesty I've never been in a fight. Except for that one time I fed the monster under my bed a gourmet knuckle sandwich for touching my ankles when I woke up one morning.
Aside from that one, isolated (albeit friggin' awesome) experience, I have never had to purchase the ingredients and prepare a knuckle sandwich for anyone I've ever met.
The reason this has never happened is I don't fight people unless they hit me first. A good friend once said to me "Nobody is going to call you a bitch if you respectfully decline an invitation to engage in hand-to-hand combat, but everyone will know you as a bitch if you start a fight and get put on your ass."
Makes sense, no?
Lucky/unlucky for me, I've never met anyone brave/foolish enough to hit me.
Lucky because "violence isn't the answer" or something like that.
Unlucky because I've never had the chance to show anyone my flaming Shoryuken in person... (That's where I do an uppercut while jumping in the air, spinning 360 degrees. Did I mention my hands are on fire?) Trust me it's pretty sweet.

The worst part about all this is that not only can I not show off, but when people say "Okay Kid, if you won't fight, at least play me a round in Street Fighter/Soul Calibur/Tekken/Guilty Gear/Marvel Vs. Capcom/ Virtua Fighter/Mortal Combat/ King of Fighters/Primal Rage/Killer Instinct/Whatever bullshit fighting game I forgot to include in this list." And I have to be like:

"SORRY!!!! I SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES BASICALLY!!! THE IDEA OF PRESSING LEFT, DOWN, DIAGONAL LEFT/DOWN + PUNCH TO GIVE YOU AN IMAGINARY SHORYUKEN SEEMS HARDER TO ME THAN LIGHTING MY HANDS ON FIRE AND PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE IN REAL LIFE!!!!"

Now the fact of the matter is, while I own approximately fifty two gazillion video games, (give or take a few) I basically suck at all of them. At least compared to all my friends, who somehow are miraculously nerdier than I am, a reality I never thought even remotely possible. Maybe I'm just hopelessly lacking hand-eye co-ordination. Regardless, name a game:

Halo? suck at it
Call of Duty? suck at it
Super Mario? suck at it
Pac Man? suck at it
But I am damn good at Wii Fit.

Apparently being a fatty with a controller glued to your hands makes you a better fighter with more bragging rights than someone who could actually kick your ass.
Guess it's time to hang up the gloves and get comfortable. At least I'll have super strong thumbs.



Thursday, October 15, 2009

Mortal Kombat + Uppercut = ?


Why is garlic bread so delicious? The mysteries of contemporary earth are surely plentiful, a cornucopia of gift baskets times two. And just like gift baskets there are great parts like roasted cashews and questionable additions like goat cheese.

Garlic bread is worth all of our attention and I don’t think it’s an insult to forget who created it. Modern times calls for us to accept things we don’t really understand, here are a few examples; caramel inside of Caramilk bars, medical science, love, divorce, gold prices and reality TV.

Lost my train of thought

The best way to enjoy garlic bread is to prepare it yourself. It starts with a stroll down to your local bakery, or at least it used to. There you may have a few words with the shop keep before you peruse the aisles, for the type of bread you want.

Now, a loaf of French white is never a bad choice but take a minute to expand your experience. I suggest trying the Kaiser buns with sesame seeds. The combination of light fluffy bread along with the savoury taste of roasted sesame seeds is not complex, and still provides a perfect match.

Actually the entire concept of garlic bread is pretty brief and maybe that’s why it’s so tasty. A couple of people got together and said;

“Hey lets put garlic on this bread.”

“Should we toast it?”

“Sure.”

I like garlic bread; I like sports, video games, hot girls, cool cars and good movies. There’s a lot of other stuff that might not be too important but I’m not sure yet.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

The saga continues Wu-tang, Wu-tang.




There are a lot of people in the world worrying about the H1N1 virus. It’s probably a good idea to at least think about it. I mean out of all the people talking about it one of them has to be right. Plus doctors are talking about the problem, and unlike doctor Ho, they go to school for a long time, that counts for some things right?



The other day I saw a few chickens huddled together at the corner of Jarvis and Dundas. It’s the same corner as Georges chicken and fries so the chickens were most likely talking about dead relatives.



If we were to juxtapose the two viruses, H1N1 and human consumption, I would say chickens have a right to be upset. It’s just not fair; the fact that there are starving humans must mean the human virus has dwindled the chicken population into a sad group of grumbling cocks on a corner. I say cocks because I assume the hens are at home where they belong. Even though humans have made strides in equal rights for the female half of the species chickens are still steadfast in their traditions. I would say the only new ideas chickens have is to fight back against the human virus with one of their own.


In order to stop the human consumption virus chickens chose a virus that first needs to be eaten by humans. Is that irony? I don’t know irony is a tricky word sometimes. Let’s just say it’s pretty funny that I can gather knowledge from around the world through a computer and still be killed by a chicken.