Tuesday, October 26, 2010

At least I'm not a vegetable

What do you do with douchebags? They're everywhere. They seep into your daily life at work, at school. They even ambush you in random encounters. *Cue battle music*

Don't get me wrong, Jersey Shore is pretty hilarious but if you had to live in a house with those people I don't think you'd be laughing very hard. Unless by laughing you mean slitting your wrists; then yes.


I recently found out that some guy called me a fruit pretty much to my face a few months ago. I apparently didn't hear, otherwise my brain just muted the person's big stupid mouth so I wouldn't do something uncalled for. I can't fully picture myself being in the kind of mental condition where I would go around calling strangers "fruit" within earshot, but I can only imagine it would be coming from some kind of deep-seeded insecurity. Keep in mind, this guy used to roll/deal/go out/date/go steady with my girlfriend, and she is the person he directly said the word fruit to, even though I was more or less standing next to her. Perhaps he was just jealous.

Still, I feel as though blaming that kind of behaviour on insecurity or jealousy is what your mom does when you get bullied at school.

"Oh, don't worry honey, Billy only split your ballsack open with a wet towel in the changeroom because he's insecure and is probably having some problems at home."


Above is a picture of two handfuls of turkey testicles.

So I'm not sure what to believe. Maybe this guy was hoping that I was a fruit so he could run some game on me, maybe steal me from my girlfriend. Maybe that's just how he greets people. I guess it's more important to think about what I would have done if I had heard him call me a fruit. I probably would just tell him to go away. Getting upset at being called a fruit definitely just validates your fruit status. The guy probably just didn't get his 8-10 servings that day and had fruits on his mind.

If I was a fruit, what kind would I be?
(All the racists simultaneously scream WATERMELON!!!!)
I think if I was a fruit I'd be a Durian A.K.A. King Fruit. Cause it's spiky and badass, plus it smells bad. FUCK YEAH. Don't mess with the king.

The most important thing to note is that I'm not a fruit. As far as I can tell I am a human bean, which is a legume, NOT A FRUIT!!

At one point I seem to remember while this guy was talking to my girlfriend he was lifting up his shirt! WHO DOES THAT??? In just a regular conversation! You're not The Situation, keep your clothes on dude. Same goes for all the guys on social networking site. We get it, you work on your abs and you're proud of them, but please keep your clothes on until you're actually getting laid. Nobody likes a showoff, except for people who like showoffs and that's okay because nobody likes them either.

Don't take this as me getting worked up about it. More than anything I'm just confused with the way people act sometimes. Maybe he was looking for a scrap. Maybe he was hoping I would fight him and lose so he'd look cool in front of my girlfriend.

I guess I'll never know. If there's anything I can leave behind in this world, I hope it's a shred of douchebag awareness. You guys need to know about the dangers out there.

I'm thinking I'll just bring back, "Talk to the hand!"

Maybe you guys have the solution to the asshole epidemic, cause I'm running out of ideas.