Friday, December 19, 2008

Don't Sass Me

Slumdog Millionare. I F***ing dare you to try and watch that movie and not feel a little good inside at the end. When was the last time you watched a movie with an actual happy ending? Just cause I'm a sucker for the tried and true movie storyline doesn't make me any less of a man. Besides, the guy in the flick doesn't live for anything besides the lulz and the glory.

Being a member of the SA (Scumbag Alliance) is not an easy job. It often requires a hefty amount of pondering and second guessing. Should I tell her she still has semen in her hair? Should I take advantage of the guy who just knocked out all his teeth skating for some quality "lul-time"?
Should I add injury to injury by kicking the homeless man who just got hit by a car in the face for cussing at me?

It's a very taxing lifestyle. But the existential perks of being a scumbag far outweigh the time and effort spent debating the fine line of scumbag Vs. asshole...

I had a hot date the other night, as I usually have on other nights. We were standing on the sidewalk debating who is better suited to defeat a Rancor, (see wookiepedia) Steve Tyler Vs. Jean-Claude Van Damme, when out of nowhere some douchebag homeless guy gets hit by a taxi. 

Ambassador Taxi (Door number A103)

Now I'm thinking, goddamn, I may be a scumbag, but everybody knows that scumbag and GF-less go hand in hand. So in perfect Bruce Wayne manner, I walk over and call the ambulance. Lady 911 picked up and was like "THA FUCK YOU WANT?!?!?!"
I was so furious I crushed my phone in my bare hands, thus making a diamond to distract the girl I was with while I picked up Bummy-McGee and literally tossed him over to the hospital. He fell right through the roof of St. Michael's hospital and landed comfortably in a bed in the asshole ward. You might be asking yourself, "Why's Kid getting so worked up about some poor homeless guy who got hit by a car?" 

First of all, get a life.

Secondly, while he was lying on the ground in a slushy snowbank and I asked him how he was doing, and all he could do was say "Fuck you" and attempt to punch me in the shins...

That's why everybody likes villians better. 'Cause they don't rescue people who give them any sass.