Sunday, November 23, 2008

There Is No Tinker-bell

A little inside the private life of The Illest Bent Handstyle:  I work at an insurance company in the claims department.  On one claim a claimant wrote he had a “fainting spell”.  Now I don’t know how popular this term is, but I want everyone using it, to please stop now.  Where I come from (the hood) we just say “I fainted?”  There is a question mark because if you are the person that fainted chances are when you wake up you do not know where you are.   Therefore you look around your surroundings and say,

“Wha happen, I fainted?”  (kinda like this...)

The person who wakes up, looks around his surroundings with a confident glare and declares,
“I have fainted!” is special indeed. 

I would love to buy into the dream, but let's be real here.  This is the internet, and it's serious.  There is no gentle fairy putting a wonderful fainting spell on you.  If that were the case fainting wouldn’t be so bad.  Any time someone is trying to talk some jibe to you, just get the fainting fairy to lay your ass out.
“Bent Handstyle!”
“What up MA!?” (I don’t take no guff from my ma)
“Wash the dishes please.”
(Five hours later)
“O my baby The Illest Bent Handstyle, are you alright?”
“Wha’ happen ma? I fainted?”(with an innocent face, something like bottom right image)

Conversely, there is no evil witch casting mean spirited fainting spells on anyone either.  People need to be held accountable for their actions.  The fact is you fainted.  And it’s your own fault if you are anything  like my claimant here, because upon further reading I found out he fainted because he was “too tired”  Yea that’s right, he just needed some shut eye.  He wasn’t even suffering from exhaustion which is a type of ultra tired.  He was just the sort of the regular kind of tired.  Sooooooo...wait for it…..He’s an idiot.  Yup, and that’s a shame because this is what you call a preventable incident.  When I’m too tired I sleep.  I’ll play devil’s advocate to my own idea here.
Random Bitch:  Handstyle, that’s not fair you can’t control whether you faint or not! It’s not that cut and dry.
Handstyle:  Err…yes it is dipshit. (Or I could say, yes it is pony rider, dumb talker, stupid thinker, any one of these insults would work)

So why am I so confident?  I can sleep almost anywhere.  I can fall asleep in class, or on the train, on a bus on a plane.  I can sleep on the floor, I can even sleep standing up I did that at a mall once and clocked the fool that woke me up.  What I’m trying to say is way before I faint…I fall asleep.  I can even fall asleep in my jeans, and that’s not easy.

You need to take the onus for fainting and that’s that.  I don’t give babies free cards to be dumb, I bought my baby cousin a full blown chemistry set.  She looked up at me and said,
“Cus’ Handstyle, me need barbies.”  So cute.  So I took her nearest doll and ripped its head off.
“IS THIS WHAT YOU NEED!?!?”  I screamed at her.
“You need oxygen, potassium, electrolytes among other things, now learn how to make them and write a report detailing how you did it.  And while you’re at it I would like a 2500 word essay on how we can improve the efficiency of renewable energy sources.”  Babies get it too easy, so why should I give grown men free cards to fall down wherever they want and claim a spell was put on them, like this is 1700s New England, there are no witches being burnt at the stake anymore.