Tuesday, October 28, 2008

For Your Reading Pleasure

You can’t be serious.  They couldn’t all hide underneath the kitchen sink, there’s just not enough space there to hide twenty Mexicans willing to redo my cabinets for two thousand dollars!  They beat factory directs price by a whole thousand dollars and I’m never going back there again.  I’m not a racist, but I check Google analytics, and I haven’t gotten ONE hit from Mexico, so until they start supporting me, I’m going to support stronger immigration laws.

I thought we were winning but I saw my sister watching the hills today and I heard they’re making a spinoff called the city, featuring more bland story lines and great music.  So I guess we’re losing again.

If I never had to sleep I would have invented so many things already, a time machine is the first thing that comes to mind, but in today’s world who really has the time?  I was pretty good at arts and crafts in kindergarten but that doesn’t mean I’m going to endanger the safety of my family and start cooking crystal meth in my basement, I don’t care how many hot girls it’ll get me.

Unicorns aren’t that great.  Really people like to pretend like they’re the ultimate mystical being, but in truth the ultimate mystical being is Tom Arnold, who could make so many poor role choices and still sport one of the best goatees in the business?  And I’m not taking that back. 

My parents bought me a dictionary when I was five, and thought it was the coolest thing ever, and spent the longest time trying to figure out what an Aardvark was.

I saw a bum walking through the crowded streets of Toronto, while writing his homeless sign.  He was writing and walking at the same time.  I couldn’t feel anything but the greatest disappointment.  That sign is his livelihood.  I imagine he only has the one piece of cardboard, and the one marker.  If he screws up, its over.  I find it hard to believe he could be in such a rush to go anywhere that he can’t sit down somewhere and take some pride in his sign.  That sign represents him to the passerby’s.  Right now I’m sure it reeks of, “I wrote this while walking” and the bastard is more homeless than ever.  That homeless sign is your entire sales strategy, and if I was homeless I would have the most immaculate sign.  I would draw a little border around it, maybe fit on a small joke, and quote of the day.  You see what I’m saying, maybe a weather report, it doesn’t have to be fancy, just say rain when it’s raining, and not raining when its not.  Yup, my homeless sign would be like a homepage for people without computers, aka losers.  And what would I care I’m homeless.  I’m surprised most homeless people aren’t Grammy winners.  That may sound odd, but If I had that much disposable time I bet I could squeeze out at least one award winning hook, call up Timbaland and make some dollas.(black dollars)  God, I thought of that in hot second,(slang for millisecond) I could never be homeless I’m just to smart.



Anonymous said...

That was a whole lot of random crap shoved together in one entry, but I still liked it.

- Av

p.s. I remember the sign thing. It's true, it was so disappointing.

jamesforlife said...


stop posting after a session.

The Illest Demented Handstyle said...

your sick, i posted that last night fool, and I stand by it. If you write it, they will read.

jamesforlife said...

Alright alright.. I didnt read the last paragraph the last time.

simply.steph said...

great advice, I'd forward this to all my homeless friends If they had computers, or if I had any.