Saturday, October 25, 2008

Ramblings Of A Sleepless Night Redux.

Now with more rambling and less sleep.  After a, “guys night in” I guess popular American culture would call it that ended at 4:00 am.  I found myself driving home, strangely not feeling too tired.  After the 45 minute drive I stepped into my kitchen and did the unthinkable.  I ate a rice crispies square.  Those things have more sugar in it than your grandmothers cooking so really, I have no idea why I decided to do that to myself.  But here I am and 4:53 in the am and it might as well be twelve noon because I am fucking JACKED.

I saw Jean Chretien on Thursday.  

The former Prime Minister of Canada, leader of the liberal party, when it was a party, and not just a get together.  Remember when you got invited to that party that’s not really a party.

“Hey, Bent wanna come out to Jerry’s Thursday?”
“Alright what’s happening, a party?”
“Yea, it’s gonna be fun we’re just getting a group of us guys, iunno seven or eight of us.”
(This is not a party, this is a get together, a faggoty one too.)  Sorry I mean Hilary Duff.  Enlighten yourself {here.} 

Really, I think if they don’t want us calling dumb things gay, then maybe they (and I don’t mean they in a negative way, just in the grammatical way of a group of people that I do not belong to, (not like some south redneck they, as in, they should be slaves)) (Nested parentheses I must be MAD.) Okay that was a long break so I’m going to repeat my thought, and it’s a good thing I’m writing this down, because I can’t remember what it was.

Maybe instead of trying to get us to stop calling dumb things gay, they should just call their lifestyle something else.  Why do they need to lay so much claim to gay anyway?  It originally meant happy.  People are not going to stop calling fruit cake gay.  HAHAHha, that’s a terrible example.  People are not going to stop calling iunno whatever we call gay on a daily basis gay, there’s nothing special about the word gay.  You have your politically correct term homosexual, and you already decided you don’t like faggot, as Vincent pointed out.  Just take a new word, make your own word up, and make it hip.  Make it fashionable... since you are a fashionable people, call it: Voilure.  

It’s like that old commercial with the young adult walking into an employment agency, the agent has a big book of jobs open and asks him if he has a high school degree, the student does not reply in the affirmative and the agent expresses that will make choosing a job easier and opens up a new book, asking how the student likes the fast food industry.  Except if the student said, “Oh yea but I’m gay.” The agent would pull out yet another book and ask how he feels about hosting his own show on HGTV.

So….yea I saw Jean Chretien exiting a hotel in Toronto all the passersby exchanged knowing glances, “Hey yea, that is Jean Chretien right?”
I was going to stop and talk to him, I was straight up going to ask him for a quick interview for all the readers of CMoG.  I got to apologize I let an opportunity slip and I’ll never make that mistake again.

So anonymous wants to know about the anti-rape stance.  BTW why are there so many comments under anonymous?  It would be nice if you readers would put down a name, even a fake name, the same fake name consistently so I can identify which of our twelve readers you are.  If you are a dude, do NOT leave a girl name…that is creepy.  So since, like Jesus I believe you are all my children, like Jesus I will now school you on mad knowledge.  This goes out to anonymous!

The anti-rape stance is not something you can learn.  It’s more of a reflect you are born with.  But like everything in life, practice makes perfect, so your anti-rape stance can be improved upon.  Your anti-rape reflexes are triggered when you do things like walking by homeless people or walking into exam rooms, generally you get really shifty eyed, indicating you are suspicious, think spider man when he gets spider-sense.  And you squat down a bit giving yourself a lower center of gravity, which makes it more difficult for a rapist to throw you to the ground and violently rape you.  Two very important notes on squatting down.

1)  It’s a squat, not a bend!  Bending over will NOT help to avoid rape, if anything this action will actually assist rapists in raping you.

2)  Some people think any squatting motion will assist rape, and instead of squatting try to do the opposite and tightly clench their bums, or in the female case vag hole, while standing very erectly.  I can see why some of you fools have this notion, because it in fact will work against rapists smaller than yourself, however larger and smarter rapists will use physics against you and will use your high center of gravity to knock you over and proceed with phase two of rape.  THE INSERTION!

I hope this helped clarify the anti-rape technique.  If you want another example of when to use anti-rape stance, check it {here}. If you send in pictures of yourself in an anti-rape stance I promise to say nice things about you and post it up.  Don’t worry I’m not holding my breath.

5:31 am and I hate myself forever.


Anonymous said...

on the note of safety,I think you should install isafe
"iSafe triggers GPS alerts based on "high crime area" and "sex offender area" nearby. No details: just "Sex offender!" called out to you in an urgent tone. "

Perhaps it’ll help you use the anti-rape stance less often.
- naveed

Anonymous said...

forgot to add the related article link

ashok said...

my friend Naveed has referred me to your site, i quiet enjoy the witticism and waggery that i derive from your blog i jest you not.

your follower and friend ashok

The Illest Demented Handstyle said...

I quite like to enjoy things quietly as well thanks!