Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween 2050

I wish I was more creative.  If I was more creative I would wield together magnificent landscapes and fill them with epic tales of romance and adventure.  I would craft metaphor worthy of praise and admiration from all my peers.  Summations of my works would need summations, and those summations would win Pulitzer prizes.  I would do all that if I were more creative.  But I’m not.  And so a lot of writing comes from actual events performed by actual people.  So be assured that this story is a true account of a conversation I overheard today amongst my co-workers.

“I found it in my house - It was a scorpion”
“A scorpion?”
“I killed it.”
“You killed it?”
“Yes...but it was cute”
“Yes, but I killed it”
“I didn’t destroy it, I drowned it”

This is when I looked up from my work.  Stomach empty from lack of breakfast eating.

“I drowned it, it’s limbs were intact.”


So this got me thinking, about Halloween!  And the future.  Like Halloween in 2050.  And I have some pretty interesting ideas. 

For one, in 2050 we’re finally going to cut the bullshit, pretending to be this and that, goblins and ghouls snakes and ladders.  I believe in doing everything full scale, the last time I pretended I was anything I was seven years old and pretended I was an astronaut and I actually went to the moon and I have pictures to prove it.  I had to build my spaceship which required me pretending I was a rocket scientist and aerospace engineer between the ages of five to seven.  Which is why I stopped to be honest, pretending was a lot of work, not to mention dangerous.  When I was four I pretended I was a tree and almost got STUCK!

In 2050 this make believe will cease, the technology will be so advanced instead of pretending to be a monster they’ll inject you with monster DNA, harvested during the genome project and just make you a monster for a while.  You probably won’t be able to control yourself and probably will eat your best friend, but you’re the monster right?  In 2050 pretending you are a witch means actually catching some kids Halloween night and boiling them in a cauldron.  Graphic?  Maybe.  But the future of gaming has taught me that realsm is the goal, and if you’re not doing real witch stuff, than you’re not really pretending you’re a witch.

Number two.  This whole system of entering a stranger’s private property for candy?  Phase that right the hell out right now.  That will be way too dangerous with all the REAL monsters that will be around that night.  You knock on someone’s door and there’s a real zombie there.  You open up your door and the eight year old pretending to be superman starts laser-eye beaming all your furniture.  So I predict that people will walk around door to door GIVING candy.  True, a gremlin going to your door to give your daughter candy is only marginally better than a gremlin stopping by to get candy.  But that’s neither here not there.  In any case that’s not even the most likely scenario.  The most likely scenario involves huge candy cannons that fire the candy into your house through your chimney.

Probably the most significant change (besides being genetically modified into a monster) is the fact that Halloween will have to be extended.  Although the technology to turn humans into various different monsters will exist, turning them back will be a slow and tedious process, and so for a few days monsters and aliens and other types of Halloween beings will run amuck in our streets.  Terrifying?  Yes.  Halloween spirit?  Even more so.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, but look at advancements we’ve seen in the last 50 years.  May I point you in the general direction of the internet, which my father invented?  All I’m trying to say is you don’t know what Halloween will be like in 40 years, so just accept everything you read as true, then you never have to use your brain to distinguish between what is credible information and what is not.  That being said, even if you did use your brain you would find this information not only credible but invaluable to your everyday needs.



Fear.guftta said...

to The Illest Demented Handstyle, You’d think that I wouldn’t have to spout on about crocs, personally I thought that the trend had been contained. But I fear, just like U2, the infection has spread from 40+ women to the girls around my uni campus. apocalypse is now... and if halloween goes as such, why would halloween end? fuck divali.