Thursday, August 28, 2008

What's a Nintendo?

There was a small American child at my bff’s house last week.  Before I get to the main point of this blog, article, write up or whatever you want to call this culmination of words that are a gateway to my soul, I want to reassure Canadians that Americans still don’t know anything about us.  This American child really had no idea that a group of civilized human beings live up here.  I played a few head games with him for the fun of it.
“You guy’s have Wii?”
  What’s a Wii?”
“LOLOL, You know!? Wii from Nintendo!”
“What’s Nintendo?”
Anyway, he’s a slightly overweight child (but I think that’s the norm in the States)with some sort of dementia that hasn’t been discovered yet I’m sure.
  Because once I saw him get so excited over the sight of food he started rolling on the floor until he was tired.  Sure, that sounds funny written down here, but it was an irksome and mildly frightening thing to watch.  Now I know I said child, but really he was a pre-pubescent teen.  The dude couldn't have been older than 13.  And I don't shows no respect to no ones under 18.  So basically the minute I met this chump I was determined to punk him out during all times of the day and at all costs.  You know, the regular:  Have him fetch me things, give me money, and generally just be a slave for life.  Or until he goes back to the states, whichever happens first.  However, I didn't anticipate the child being a gangster for life.  I was outmatched from the very start.  He's from New York, I'm from Pickering.  I couldn't possibly out gangster him. Unfortunately at the time I had yet to reach that conclusion.  And so time after time, as I would try to wield my power and have him bend under my will, he would lash out with real gangster talk that I could never have been prepared for.  Once, while visiting my bff I saw Solid Snake (his nickname) watching some children’s TV, Family channel if my memory serves correctly.  Family channel is not acceptable unless you are watching “That’s So Raven”  and I didn’t see any fat black people running around so I became very angry.  I proceeded to berate him viciously, only to have him turn around calmly and mutter in a voice way to husky for a 13 year old,
"Why you clocking me for?"
  Well, it seemed like a pretty reasonable question.  You just can't say anything to that.
Another incident happened as I entered my bffs premises to see Solid Snake lounging around in a sofa counting a small but reasonably sized stack of cash for someone of his tax bracket.
“Where’d you get that money fool?”
“This is my money nigga…I’m ballin’.”
Heh, yea I was flabbergasted, who wouldn’t be?
  I never had a 13 year old fling a racial slur at me so casually.  But this is the streets, where nigga is okay.  Besides, he’s a nigga too.
In any event, I was certain I would have Solid Snake reimburse my estate with his blood for embarrassing me.
  But one night, while listening to the peaceful sounds of Snake snoring after overeating during dinner I had a change of heart.  As gangster as Solid Snake is, he is still 13.  I’ve seen him fall asleep with rosy cheeks while watching TV at 11pm.  I’ve seen him get tuckered out from running around too much, and having to take a break nap at 3pm.  And last but not least I’ve seen his idea of quality television programming.  So maybe I can live with not being the most gangster dude in the house for a few days, because I’m old enough to drink, drive and touch a woman’s vagina.