Friday, August 15, 2008

Curl Up And Die

Who? You. The guy that talks to me in the bathroom. I’m there to go about my business and return to my daily activities. Why are you asking me how I’m doing? You and I both know how I’m doing. If you’re asking me before I hit the urinal, I’m feeling slightly antsy, and have a tinkling in my groin area, and if you’re asking me after, I’m feeling relieved. I’m not sure why you need to acknowledge someone’s presence at all times during the day. You acknowledge them once. ONCE. That one hello, how are you? Things going well? And that lasts the whole morning. You do not need to acknowledge that person again until after lunch. The urinal talk is bad enough, I can hear your piss hitting the urinal, I mean we can both hear it. So let’s be civilized, close our eyes, and forget we even know each other during that time. Because having to talk to you while hearing you pee is putting a serious strain on my sanity. To be completely honest it’s a waste of time. I can tell you right now, I don’t hear a word you’re saying. While you’re jabbering on all I’m thinking about is,

“Yea, whatever faggot.” And you know what…I feel totally justified in doing so. But the person that really needs to die is the lowlife that drops the deuce and conversation starts. You are the very last person I want to have a conversation with. I only hung around to stare at you so you can feel the hot pain of shame on your idiot face. And what do I get? A conversation. Like I really want to know how your kids are doing while the scent of your excrement is in the air. The bathroom is a fucking cramped space. I’m not kidding, the scent of your shit is mile high in my nostrils, and I know you can smell it too, so get out, look embarrassed and wash your hands. In fact it wouldn’t kill you apologize.

I don’t smoke because I’m not cool. I don’t smoke because it leads to serious lung problems like lung cancer and emphysema. And speaking of cancer, why is it cool to have it now? I’m not going to tread too deep in that. I just want to let you people know I am aware of what’s happening.
What else? O! I bought an Ipod Classic because it holds more music. That’s what I’m about…the music. What else am I about? Gum. I stay chewing gum all day, it gives me something to do, it’s tasty, and it’s cheap. Anyway now you know why I bought the classic, and it’s not because I’m homeless and can’t afford a touch. So stop looking at me like I eat nothing but pasta at home.
Why am I so angry? I have my reasons. But there is one thing that makes me very happy. My front pockets, I have recently started wearing western shirts again, and let me tell you those front pockets are not just for show people. They can carry small items that you would otherwise need to put in your pants pocket. I’m sure we can all agree that pants pocket cram is one of the worst things in the world. I can put my keys in my front pocket, loose change, sometimes my phone, even my wallet…okay not my wallet, but it really lightens the load. Not to mention how accessible your items are when they are stored in your front breast pockets. I mean, the location says it all. The Breast Pocket. You don’t get more central than that. That’s where the heart is. And if it’s a good enough place for my heart, it’s good enough for whatever miscellaneous items I may be carrying with me at any given time. Sauf wallet.