Monday, February 22, 2010

Where's the Internet My Grandfather Created?


I just want you to know I teetered on naming this post, "My Grandfather would spit on this internet."

Sometimes I get questions like, “Why didn’t you come to the party last night?”

To which I invariably respond, “What party?”

Usually the host will comment that an invite was sent trough a certain social networking site.

Sometimes I get more direct questions involving the social networking giant whose name will not be mentioned here unless they pay me.

Questions like, “Why don’t you keep your (social networking site) status more current? (I don’t believe it has been updated since Halloween.)

Well I thought about it and have come to the conclusion that it’s too easy. You can pretty much get away with anything on (social networking site). Post whatever photos you want, like you are a super model. Post where you’ve been, where you’re going, even where you hope you may be going. Post anything you want at all, all day long and nobody is there to make you think twice. The new internet is a whipitty woop super fun place for EVERYONE. And that is just not the kind of internet I knew growing up. Where are the unofficial police? Where are the people holding us accountable for our actions? Where are the Trolls.

(Social networking site) Is too friendly. Too often I see people posting ridiculous photos, or song lyrics as their status. The fact of the matter is 90% of (social networking site) users have no idea what the internet is all about.

I think a brief history on the internet and its Trolls would be beneficial here.

500 years ago when my great grand-dad invented the internet in an effort to stop Mexico engaging in Mexican type activities, he allowed for a small number of people with no manners or common decency to use his invention. No one really knows why he let them in. Some say it was a programming error, but others believe he knew what he was doing all along, that he knew the crucial role they would play. They were brutes, they would contradict anything and everything said without proof, and seemingly without intent. They snarled at you just to provoke a reaction. In no time at all they earned the moniker, “Troll.” Needless to say they were loathed and feared. Expert Trolls could take almost anything posted on a message board and twist it to make you look like an absolute ass monkey. Or worse yet, they could flame you. They could summon the powers of the English language and flame the pride out of you. Some said they could flame the RAM right out of your motherboard. Being flamed could even sometimes result in, ‘The Pain’ and could keep some people from ever posting again. People banned together against the Trolls and vowed not to grant them access to favourite internet hang out spots. (which really all forums and message boards are). But it was the internet...and with the technology of the time you couldn’t really stop the Trolls except for one at a time. And so the Trolls remained, keeping everyone honest and on their best behaviour, and deep down people knew the Trolls were for the best. Now it was a well kept secret that the Trolls livelihood depended on the fear that internet citizens had of them. And as people learned to live with the Troll, their power subsided. But, ‘The Pain’ of being Trolled has been passed down throughout the generations and lives in the heart of every true citizen of the internet. Keeping the small population who can remember those times savvy internet users.

Where are the Trolls now? Rumour has it they all live together in some mystical ungodly place known as 4chan, (also said to be the nexus of the internet) waiting for the internet to be ripe for their presence again. Legend has it they have been honing their skills, Trolling each other and keeping, ‘The Pain’ and ‘The Fear’ alive. In any case, there are no true Trolls left in the modern internet, and with their extinction the modern internet has become soft and mushy and full of females. Everyone knows the Trolls were keeping females off the internet. Have you ever seen a woman being Trolled? It’s possibly the saddest and yet most heart wrenchingly hilarious thing.

With the Trolls gone the Trolled have remade the internet in their own image. Comment after comment about how cute a girl looks is fine. But where is the comment stating how fat she looks? Where is the Troll? I guarantee she will think twice about posting a photo in those jeans again. She may or may not be fat. That is really beside the point.

Which brings me back on topic. (Social networking site) has made it almost impossible to effectively Troll. I myself, after having realized the sad truth that the lack of Trolls is ruining the popular internet have tried Trolling several members of the (social networking site) with varying degrees of success. Within minutes my Troll message was erased by the Trolled, or the Trolled would erase their own message that I was Trolling. I consider the latter a small success. In the old days you may not have been able to delete an ignorant post and so everyone would be held powerless and merely watch as they were Trolled. I suppose if the Trolled deletes an ugly photo or status update, at least it isn’t there anymore. Recently I saw a comment on a status by an individual whose last name was, “Swaggerdeep.” I suppose that last name was regarded as gully, or sick by the individual. Rightly I commented that Swaggerdeep sounds like something a bar slut would do if paid handsomely. Within minutes his comment in the comment chain disappeared. You have that power. I call upon all who do not wish to see the true internet die, to Troll harder. To Troll with a vengeance, really.

4 comments:

Kid Vincent said...

Faggot.
Your post sucks balls.
All you do is wish people on (social networking site) would pay you the attention you think you deserve.

Rusi said...

I hate all these internet fanboys name dropping 4chan. I wonder how many times Handstyle got Rick Rolled before he looked that up too. LAWL. faggot.

Vincent nunchuck for the win.

The Illest Bent Handstyle said...

Am I being bullied?

Kid Vincent said...

TROLL'D!!!