Thursday, January 14, 2010

Say it Like You Mean it

Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone sometime before I was born, and the world hasn’t been the same ever since. Someone invented the current rendition of the cellular phone after I was born and I like that invention better because it let’s me talk wherever I want.

However, the corded phone while many speculate is on it’s last legs, still has a strong base in family homes and in offices. And it is the latter I would like to discuss with you now.

After graduating or being exonerated for a felony and being hired by a reputable company there are many things one must learn to be successful in corporate Canada. Which is like corporate America’s little sister: Cute, and you might flirt with it, but really that’s as far as you’re willing to take the relationship, I mean, c’mon you don’t flex up your buddy’s little sister. Anyway, to survive in an office scenario there are certain etiquettes that must be learned. E-mail etiquette, water cooler etiquette, walking by hello’s, stop and talks, polite jokes, etc. Among these are telephone etiquette and it’s just as important as anything else.

Because everyone in the office has a phone you must learn to use this tool better than your peers to increase your trade value among the league, I mean increase your worth in the company. Don’t even worry, I’ll clue you in on some of these. For arguments sake, I’m going to assume you need to close a deal, because what I’ve learned in obtaining my BCOMM, closing deals is what keeps rich people rich.

Don’t be afraid to yell on the phone. Nicholas Cage made an acting career of yelling on the phone and I see no reason why you shouldn’t be entitled to try your hand at is as well. Yell things like, “Do you know who I am?” Or, “Do you know who I represent!?” Or, “Do you not want to close this deal!?” This shows your GM, I mean boss, you’re in control of the conversation, and that you value the company you work for, and are unwilling to accept just any piss poor deal. Always remember you need to get value for your players.

Standing up while on the phone is a great way to increase your street cred. For very simple reasons. Standing up lets people see that you are closing deals. Most people are visual and if your boss sees you closing a deal, you will more likely get a contract extension than if he only heard you yelling. Now, there is a right and wrong way to do this. While standing up, keep one hand on your desk, this shows people you are anchored and haven’t forgotten why you’re on the phone. You do not want to give the image of just floating around on the phone. Standing up also gets other people around you excited. “Why is he standing up?” They’ll wonder. “He must be doing something right.” Some people will encourage you to stand up and yell while on the phone. I am firmly against this tactic. Yelling on the phone while standing up will grab all the attention in the room and let people know you’re an Alpha Male who won’t stoop below punching children to close a deal. Find these people at Jack Astor’s wearing power suits. You see it’s just the wrong image that’s being portrayed. It is simply too much, yelling while standing up is like watching too aggressive tasteless porn. You can’t help but wonder if all this is necessary.

Some things just make you feel dirty. Like farting while walking, and then smelling it, and then speeding up your walk to get away from it. Nobody needs to notice what you did for you to silently curse yourself under your breath, vowing never to do it again.