Saturday, July 11, 2009

OMG Girls Night Two!

It is inconceivable the consequences that could have befallen me yesterday night. I shudder to think about the, ‘what if’ the perennial and paradoxical statement that defines the creativity of our species. Man cannot live in the ‘what if’ alone, those who have tried are likely to become the sad, angry and desperate individuals we sometimes see during our morning commute, sleeping under bridges and living on park benches. These individuals have only the ‘what if’ left to them and I am not eager to join their ranks. Balance is the only thing we can strive for, striking equilibrium with the staunch odour of reality and the sweet fragrance of the ‘what if’. However the ‘what if’ is not all creativity and rainbows, it can contain scenarios that better left avoided. Still back at home in my plush bed, my head lying curiously cocked to one side as if someone was whispering to me and not allowing me to rejuvenate my mind in sleep, The negative side of the what if clings to life in my memories. Last night was crazy. I turn my head to sleep, “What if I lost my licence?” No. I don’t want to think about it. “What if I had lost my phone?” Bah, everything turned out okay. This is the thought that yanks me awake, pulling me out of the hide and seek game I’m playing with my memories of last night. “What if my girlfriend broke up with me?” Through it all, everything turned out just fine. And what if it hadn’t? As much as I try to shed the thoughts last night’s is a story begging to be told...

I lunge into my car feeling a bit wobbly, my buzz is gone and I am running on diminished reserves of hype, better known as adrenaline. Time is of the essence. I look at the time...1:30. I notice with dismay my fuel indicator, indicating that I should have bought gas days ago. Crooks, (my car) running on faith alone makes it to the gas station. Jumping out I realize my gas tank is on the other side of the car...I have had this car for three years now. I look around to see if anyone has noticed, a few bros are having a laugh at my expense, I take the reprieve silently and right my ship. Filling up I can’t help but wonder, “Am I okay to drive?” My hype doesn’t want to hear any of that noise, and the obvious answer floats to the front my cerebral cortex. You haven’t had anything to drink for hours, hurry the fuck up and chase the go train down! Of course I agree, I always agree with my hype. Still, filling up takes a few minutes and I allow myself to think about how I entered this situation.

You were drinking shots of whisky and polar ice vodka at the harbour front on an empty stomach with three girls, you had way too much to drink. My hype remembers everything, even when I cannot. Why am I so tired? You literally ran around Toronto for about an hour looking for your girlfriend. I am alarmed at this news. She’s lost? She’s not lost, she’s home, but she might not be your girlfriend anymore...dude you ran the Harbour to Queen and then back to Union when you realized you ran too far...are you okay to drive. Yes.

My car is full, I squeeze the trigger again to make sure, some oil spills out of my tank and onto the floor. Idiot, this is not the kind of thing you need to make sure about. I drive out to the highway going outrageous speeds. 160 km/h on the DVP the speed is comforting in a way. I think back to earlier in the day.

Why was I looking for her. You fucked everything up fool. We were all having a fine time until you tried to kiss one of them. Your girlfriend in a fit of anger ran off. Then you, in your extremely intoxicated state tried to find her, I guess you took a wrong turn somewhere because you ran...nevermind. I should have been worrying more about myself; my girlfriend hadn’t had a shot of hard alcohol all night. Don’t beat yourself up too much, you only tried to kiss her on the cheek because she told you about some guy she loved that she was too scared to get, you got all father figure and tried to comfort her cheek with your lips, your girlfriend didn’t care much about the excuses and stalked off...anyway you have other things to worry about there’s some shit popping behind you.

FUCK. The flashing lights behind me are searing my vision. At first I think it’s an ambulance. I pull over into the next lane and the ambulance follows. What the fuck does the ambulance want with me. I was going crazy fast but still ambulances don’t have the authority to pull people over right? It’s not an ambulance. Suddenly the ambulance shoots beside me and a fairly attractive female officer of the law motion me to pull over. FUCK.

Do you know how long we’ve been trying to pull you over?
Sorry officer I just didn’t want to pull over on the highway.
Do you know it’s a 400 dollar fine if you don’t pull over when motioned to?
No officer, I’m sorry I just thought it would be safer to pull over on a side road.
Let me see your driver’s licence and registration.

At this point the female officer is going through my car

Do you always keep a Mickey and shot glace in the front seat of your car?
Umm, no officer, I haven’t been drinking...
Do you have any other alcohol in the car?
No officer.
What about this other Mickey?
Just the two officer.
(my face is a twisted mask of agony)
Have you had anything to drink tonight?
No officer, well yes, but early, I tried to, I mean- Compose yourself!...(sigh) You see I was on the Go bus going home, I fell asleep and the bus driver woke me up, I was a bit embarrassed so I jumped out of the bus, forgetting my phone. I really wanted my phone back so that why I’m driving so fast back to union. I’m hoping to get there before the bus does.

The female officer looks around my car some more, is that your phone there? She points at my iPod. I shoot her a devilish grin, and I realize it’s my one shot out of this mess. I give her one look, it embodies my whole night. It’s a sheepish grin with raised eyebrows and tired looking eyes. It says, I don’t usually do this, I’m a bit young and rash and I realize the errors of my ways, by the way do you find me a bit cute?
She smiles back.
After a long pause the male officer comes back to my car, it looked like him and the female officer were arguing about something.

(this part is verbatim)
We pulled you over because you were driving exceptionally fast on the DVP. The half drunk Mickeys and the shot glace in the front seat aren’t helping your case.
Drive safe tonight.
Thank you officer.

That’s ticket, not even a formal warning. What do you think about that!? WOW.

I get to Union about 2:30. The place is barricaded shut. A meek looking Latina is inside cleaning. I rap the door once to get her attention and raise my index finger indicating I only have one question to ask her. She looks at me and goes back to her work. I rap again and try to seduce her through the door. She’s not having any of it, and I solemnly realize I’m not getting my phone back, this was a fool’s errand from the start. I could have told you that.

Dejected I return home. I pick up my house phone. It feels cold and alien in my hands, it’s a piece of technology I am not familiar with using anymore. I call my cell phone and it rings. That’s good, that means it’s not stolen yet.

Hello? I didn’t expect anyone to answer, and I wonder if I dialled the correct number.
Umm, yes, hi...err, I am the...owner of this phone.
(laughter) Ha, aii yes. This is the bus driver, I have your phone.
Umm, can I get it back?
Haha, yesss, come back to union on Monday, I emailed you my number, I sent it to your Ryerson account I found on your phone.
Fucking A.

I call my girlfriend. No answer. It’s past 3:30 now and emotions are just spilling out of my mouth, I leave a convoluted voicemail about my ridiculous night. As I am about to sleep my house phone rings, I pick up the bulky hardware and venture a hello.
I got your voicemail, I had to call you after.
It’s my girlfriend, we talk for nearly an hour and at the end of the conversation she tells me she loves me.
I love you too.