Wednesday, March 25, 2009


What is it about writing essays that puts me in this state?

Paralysed, completely amoral and unmotivated. Apathy is the real thing here. I don't care. I know it's overdue, I am well aware. In fact it's all I can think about, but at the same time, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling seems like something that needs to be taken care of right this instant. This apathy seeps into my real life, I wander around, I talk slowly, if a girl came to tell me I was belligerent and had smelly breath, I'd probably just nod and tell her that her hair was greasy or something. Stuff like that really upsets them.

It amazes me, the tenacity some people posses, to have the dedication to turn down the opportunity to spend time with friends or family or to take part in some other form of socially/anti-socially enriching experience, in exchange for doing homework. Do people honestly find this stuff fascinating, as gorgeous and complex as the fine details in conversation, the chills you get from your favourite music? I honestly believe by the time this is all over one of us will have regrets, it's a toss up whether it will be them or me. 

I like exams. In fact, the notion of an exam kind of makes me horny at this point. I enjoy that kind of evaluation because although it is hardly conducive to real learning, it still makes a crapload more sense then excessively arguing one point to death, as if all opinions in the world are either true or false. Studying for an exam is nice too. You have an allotted amount of time, and you know exactly how much you can study in that much time. Once you're done you have reached a critical mass as to how much you can know about any trivial subject (e.g. Mitosis, The Spartans, or Baudrillard's Precession of Simulacra). With an exam you have no such time frame. There is no way to know how long it will take you to research a topic, process it and shit out an opinion on said topic that in many cases has absolutely nothing to do with what the author or whatever was talking about in the first place. 

There is no way to predict the many pitfalls that may arise when starting an essay, such as, the assignment topic you chose is new and thus has never been done by any student before and is potentially flawed/impossible, the assigned reading for your topic is at a level way beyond practical consumption (maybe we as society have just gotten lazy, but we should be getting lazy together in proportion, thanks smartmouth asshole professor) or the book you borrowed from the library actually has nothing to do with the topic you're researching, or is bullshit and from 1994 when everyone had stupid haircuts.

When I found out I was anemic I was actually rather excited. I had hopes that once my deficiency was eliminated I would become superhuman, with the capacity and endurance to excel in stuff like team sports and classroom presentations on bristol boards. This was not the case, in fact I'm having an incredible amount of difficulty finding a happy medium as there is the possibility of getting too much iron which causes similar symptoms as not having enough.
Fucking hemoglobin. 

I wish I could say I hate my life, but I've been playing Fallout 3 and it is really enriching my existence.
On top of that the mere thought of owning and customizing a bike this summer fills me with a sugary sense of joy that saturates my arms and legs. 



stobes said...

excellent post my boy