Sunday, November 09, 2008

What's a Future Shop?

His bearded mouth opened and closed without making a sound.  He paused, muttered some inaudible things to himself, bringing his index finger under his chin in an almost picturesque replica of ‘the thinker’.  The simple fact was he didn’t know the answer.  I could only imagine his utter confusion.  Stick with me here, this post is going to take a looping arc towards the climax which is at the end, and at the end you will be thankful you stuck around for the ride.

The pursuit of knowledge is an uphill climb.  Knowledge doesn’t just fall into your lap, you have go out there and get it.  By using books!  Or the INTERNET AHAHAHA.  We can even get some knowledge from television, if you subscribe to the right channels.  No, I’m not talking about MTV.  People strive for knowledge on a daily basis.  If you are like me and a slave to the educational sector, you are probably forced to become knowledgeable on subjects you really don’t give a kahoot about. 

Kahoot is like saying rat’s ass in 1960s lingo.  In the 1960s if you said ‘kahoot’  O man, your mom is gonna SLAP you.  The only thing worse than saying ‘kahoot’, is saying ‘dang’.  Saying ‘dang’ in the 1960s was like telling your mom to eat a cunt.  It’s just unacceptable.  When I time traveled to the 1960s that one time I said dang because I lost a button on my shirt and the prime minister tried to KILL me!

Knowledge is supposed to pay off big in the long term.  If you are homeless you have no knowledge and this bites you in your dang ass.  Since the homeless have no knowledge to turn into money, they do other things.  This is simple economics. One such thing is open doors for people that go into Tim Horton’s for a tip.  But if I was homeless I think I’d just rob people, and call it an accident.  Or raise money by letting pedestrians take photos with me and my powerful homeless beard.  Seriously, I’m pretty sure the cures for at least three chronic illnesses reside in the undiscovered beards of the homeless.

But there is one thing that is true.  Most homeless people would kill for the chance to turn knowledge into money.  Come to think about it most homeless would kill for drugs or blowjobs as well.  So I became very sad when a nice young lady asked a homeless man for directions to the nearest Future Shop.  (btw Future Shop is such a misnomer, they don't sell any futuristic stuff, they sell like present day stuff) At first I was hopeful.  I thought this is your chance!  Answer this question and you can turn your whole life around.  She might give you money AND a blowjob and momentum will take its course from there.  CEO of a fortune 500 company in two years.  A stretch?  Maybe, but totally within the realm of possibility.  So you can imagine my excitement, this was a pivotal moment in his life.

I am sure then, that you can also imagine my extreme disappointment when not only could this man not tell her the directions to the nearest Future Shop, but asked her to tell him what a Future Shop was.  He words verbatim were:
“Future Shop?  Err, what is that?”

Companies spend millions of dollars on advertising campaigns so this guy has no excuse.  Everyone with a TV and a home knows what a future shop is.  Fine, you guys are outraged, you’re saying Bent!? He is homeless!  Fair enough, but he should at least have a TV.  Where does he get his electronics?  Best Buy!? I sincerely hope not, because they overcharge.  He should have at least lied to her.  You can lie to people who ask you questions because the fact that they are asking a questions means they don’t know the answer.  Perfect lying conditions.

I’m actually a bit upset at him, living on the street you would think he would know where things on the street are.  The Future Shop was indeed just on the other side of the street but I sure as hell wasn’t going to jeopardize my scumbag reputation to assist her. 

I think how confused he must have been too.  Future Shop.  His mind must have been racing with ideas of holograms and secret spy cams.  Unicorns and flying cars, you know future shit.  At least he’ll have good dreams tonight.


g said...

what happened to doing things for the glory?! you hyped it up and now I see no trace of that big campaign, except whispers of promises you left on our hearts. AND what exactly does best buy overcharge on that future shop doesn't?