Thursday, June 05, 2008

This Evil Twin Shit Is Getting Old

Do you have any idea what it is like having an evil twin?  How could you?  Only a small percent of humans have an identical twin.  I would guess that only twenty percent of them would be evil.  That is a very small percentage of the world.  So since this blog isn’t world famous…yet, I’m going to go ahead and assume any readers of this do not have an evil twin.  Well I do.  And let me tell you this bull is getting quite tiresome.  The thing is I can’t stop him, in fact I’ve never met the guy.  You might be thinking how is it I know I have an evil twin, if I’ve never stood face to face with him. Well I can assure you he is around.  This is not fantasy based conjecture.    I have facts.  The worst part is he doesn’t seem to be doing anything really that evil.  No ‘take over the world’ plots.  No henchman.  No pool of laundered money.  The dude is just…around. Let me fill in the details of my twin’s existence.

I must be honest.   The facts are shady at best.  I don’t know much about him.  I first heard about him at my orthodontist.  Yea, that’s right…the gull of him, he went to MY orthodontist.  I remember when I told the receptionist my name.  She seemed innocent enough.
“Oh, are you related to a Ptere?”     (Not a typo, that’s how he spells his name, I have e-mails to prove it.  Is my evil twin eastern European?)
“Errr,” I replied, “No.”
“That’s funny, he looks just like you.”
I was fine with everything until that point.  NOBODY looks just like me.  My boyish good looks are the talk of the country.  In any case I was hoping that would be that last I heard of Ptere.  Here’s a little foreshadowing, it wasn’t.

My orthodontist said I had to have a tooth pulled.   He recommended a dentist.  And so I went.  It was much to my chagrin that Ptere had a tooth pulled there.  The dentist said it so nonchalantly like he couldn’t see what was going on.
“Oh you must know Ptere.  I pulled a tooth of his a couple of weeks ago.”
“Heh.  Where is he now?”  It was now clear to me that Ptere needed to be eliminated.
“Oh I wouldn’t know that.”
He then asked me to count down from 100,  I think I got as far as 98.

Ptere’s trail went cold for a while.  Three years to be exact.  But Ptere wasn’t done with me.  He suddenly came back into my life again yesterday.   A recruiter for a staffing company called me yesterday.  As our conversation came to a close she asked me.  
“You wouldn’t be related to Ptere would you?”
I couldn’t  believe it, I thought Ptere’s reign of chaos was over.  He’s knows my every move, acting ahead of me…mocking.
“Believe it or not, this isn’t the first time I’ve been asked that.  Ptere and I have a long history.  But no, we’re not related.”  I’m sure my murderous intent was audible through the receiver.
“You know,” she continued,  “He used to work for Puff Daddy.”
My first thought was his name is P.Diddy now, my second thought was WHAT THE EFF!?!?!”
“Yea,” she says to me, “He was his personal assistant, fluffed his pillows.”
P. Diddy hired my evil twin.  Seeds of doubt have been planted in my head.  Could I be the evil twin?  Shadowing my good twins every move, does he even know about me?  I often think about things that are admittedly evil.  Or is that his plan?  To drive me insane and assume my identity.  I write this from a train into the city of the brave, Toronto (I made that nickname I also played around with calling it the city of angels) where I’m going to meet with this staffing agent to gain more information about Ptere and possibly find a new job.  Wish me luck.