Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The True Story: Face Off With Mr. Laptop

As the shadow of the Bird Of Doom covers my face with its gigantic girth I can’t believe its sheer enormity. Its wingspan is the length of the California coast-line. Its eyes are made of sapphire that could kill at a glance, and its armed with razor sharp talons made of gold. Many a brave man tried to hunt down the Bird Of Doom for its gold talons only to be ripped to shreds by them. I take in a deep breath at the sight of the birds feathers, if you can even call them that. They’re razor sharp swords, which is what makes mounting the bird an insurmountable task. Did I mention they were gold swords? The swords were made of gold. I look on at the Bird Of Doom in horror. How did Mr. Laptop tame such an unbelievably large creature? I hear the mechanical laughter of Mr. Laptop, and turn on my heel towards him.

“You’re at the end of your rope Bent. There is no way you can defeat both me and the Bird Of Doom!”

He knows he’s right and lets out yet another cackled laugh. I don’t see how I can prove him wrong, but as I look up at the Bird Of Doom I realize that it’s at least half an hours flight away. Mr. Laptop turns his metallic stare onto me.

“Surrender now and I will round kick you into oblivion, much less painful than whatever the Bird Of Doom will do to you…wouldn’t you agree?”

“Lappy…the bird might tear me to shreds, but you won’t be alive to see it.”

Mr. Laptop seems unaffected by the threat. In anger I throw a fist aimed at his neck, forgetting about the long legs. He ducks the wildly thrown punch and launches a foot into my side,and I feel one of my ribs collapse under the pressure. I back away, coughing up blood.

"I won't need the bird if it's going to be this easy, Bent."

In anger I lunge at him, knocking him to the algae underfoot, and we both go rolling.

“What are you doing!?” He screams at me. “I have the Bird Of Doom, are you insane!?”

“The bird won’t be here for at least 30 minutes Lappy, in that time I will end your miserable existence!”

As we continue rolling I notice we’re headed straight towards a deep gorge, neither of us would survive the fall. Mr. Laptop tries to pry me off of him with his feet, but I have him in a bear hug.

“Tonight, we both die Laptop! Type your final words.”

“You’re insane and stupid Bent, I have upgraded my armor, the fall will merely be a scratch!”


“Is it?”

“You’re bluffing

“Am I?”

“You metal bastard!”

I look into Mr. Laptops steely eyes, impossible to get a read. I see Laptop gripping his computer with one hand, and typing with the other, but could notice no difference in his response time. The cliff looms less then 100 metres away, we just keep rolling and rolling. BANG. I feel a flash of pain as Laptop head-butts me with his metal skull. I feel my grip on him loosening and my head is swimming. My side red hot with pain, at this rate I'll be dead before we even reach the gorge. In one instant I use all my cunning and punch Laptop smack on the right side of his face. While that diverts his attention I do the unthinkable and jam my fist into his fingers and keyboard. I feel his fingers tearing through my skin, and then bone.

“AHHH!” I yelp in pain, but I drive harder until I feel my damaged hand hit the ‘F’ key.

“Whhffat, afff youffff doinfff!?” He tries to say.

“You should of made sure the bird was here before confronting me you fool, now you die!”

I push further still, my whole hand flapping on Laptops precious keyboard.

“skgsYOU WILLrgnoiu dfNOTlkfu ugnGETfdu kdfAWAYglg ujbgWITHgf THIS!”

I spot the key I’m looking for: escape. In a last ditch effort I press the key, and Laptops motion stops, his metallic jaw clamps up and the eyes go dim. I spot a sea-tree to my left and grab for it. Clutching it in my hand I see Laptop roll unceremoniously into the gorge to his final resting place. I try to catch my breath and wince at my badly broken hand. I feel myself loosing consciousness, but snap back awake at the sight of the Bird Of Doom circling me overhead.

(to be continued…)