Straight Scummin' It Boo

Baaahahaha.  BWAHAHAHAH.  I cleaned my glasses.  I took em right off and used a chemical solution specialized for cleaning prescription lenses and I wiped it down with a fabric woven specially to clean said lenses.  Then I put them back on and the numbers didn’t change.  So I shut my eyes.  Opened them, the numbers didn’t change...BWAHAHAHAH 85 cents bitches.  I paid 85 cents for gas.  I filled up my tank and drove off real quick.

Why am I laughing like a scumbag?  Why am I not simply chuckling to myself, or doing a regular hahahah laugh?  Why do I insist on laughing like a scummy person who would shank you in a dark alley for only some decent insider stock tips?  Because I called it.  I saw gas dipping.  And I needed gas like a week ago, and I said to myself.  Bent, you are...magnificently gifted with the intelligence of a genius, I’m not going to get gas until its below 90 cents.  And you know what?  The thing I took away from this experience is I like being a scumbag. 

I admit openly I'm not a humongous scumbag.  I'm somewhere in the middle of the scumbag scale.  And I'm not the gross scumbag, I'm the fun kind.

It’s harder than you may think.  Being a scumbag takes a lot of practice and determination.  It’s pretty easy to accidentally do nice things, while you are supposed to be emphasizing your scumbag traits.
“Can you help me study?”
“Sure”
If that sounds like you, you are not a scumbag.  You have to be willing to be the guy nobody likes.  You have to be willing to bring a box of donuts to work and keep the open box on your desk and eat ALL of them.
“What’s the occasion”
“There is no occasion, these are mine, and my hot friends’ donuts, and you’re not my hot friend Twat, so skedaddle.”

Now let me take this moment to just clarify, being a scumbag is not the same thing as being shady.  Of course you can be both, but the two are not synonymous.  I’m not shady at all.  If you saw me on the street you wouldn’t hesitate to strike up a conversation and ask me to hold your baby for a sec while you tie your shoe.  I suppose, and this is debateable, that being shady is an outward characteristic.  It’s how you make people feel uncomfortable just by looking at you.  I don’t look shady.  Being a scumbag is an inward trait.  The shady person might hold your baby, despite looking shady, but I sure as hell won’t.  I might hold IT for a sec, and accidentally drop it.  That’s scummy.

So yes, being a scumbag is hard.  But once you’ve mastered it, being a scumbag comes easy.  And it will set you free.  I’ve been taken advantage of by the drudges of our society:  The homeless, the crazy, the black history month promoters etc.  When you are a scumbag you don’t have to do anything for anybody, and then you get to laugh about it afterwards.  It’s perfect.

Not to mention the Scumbag laugh.  It deserves a paragraph of its own because it’s such a wonderful laugh to do.  Try it with me.  Instead of starting your laugh with a “haa”, start it off with a “baa”, and if you’re feeling extra scummy (you ate the last snack in the house and left the empty box in the pantry) you can start your laugh out with “bwaa”.  Those are scumbag laugh basics.  And you can trust me because I once spent a few months of my life surviving on poker winnings.  Scummy.  Master that and make sure you start the laugh out in the back of your throat and you’re well on your way to laughing in someone’s face next time they ask to borrow your eraser during a test.  Baaahahaa.