Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Can I Get Your IP, We Should Interface

It’s the end of the world friends. Not that the world is going to explode…it’s not that kind of end. It’s the end of the world as we know it type of end. The type of end where you would be like what planet is that. And then be like, “Oohh, it’s EARTHHH.” See. That type of end. People have said for years that humanity would be secluded to their homes on computers using instant messaging, never leaving, entranced by their precious internet and it’s capabilities. They said we’d stare into the computer screen all day long, with barely any physical social activity. We laughed, we scoffed. “Stupid faces” we called them. You guys are such “stupid facesssss”. And we all laughed together. It was a perfect laugh in unison. The most perfect uniform laugh. And we reveled in the fact that we could make such a perfect laugh. I was there, I laughed. I was watching the TV. Maybe 13 years old and the scientist said, in a decade people wouldn’t go outside they would rather just talk online. And I laughed at him. “Dummy, how could he be so dummmmb?” That’s when I noticed how beautiful the laugh was, and that millions of us laughed together. Does everyone remember that laugh? It was a good one eh? But I have bad news. It’s time for you to stop laughing.

I’m here to tell you that, that time is here, now. It came like a thief in the night. We were busy laughing for the last decade we didn’t even notice it was here. Now who’s laughing? The internet. That’s who. He's laughing his head off. Right off. Know why it’s laughing? Because when your internet is down you curl into a ball and will die of starvation if it doesn’t come back so you can update your profile picture. The internet said, come here my child. And you went. It said jump and you asked how high. And now it is the supreme ruler of it all. Whatever, the internet and I are cool. I’m pretty sure my grand-dad was one of the co founders of the internet, so we have history, oh yea we get along just fine. I’d be like, “Yo Nets!”
“Yo, Bent, sup?”
“Nuttin to much kid, I’m sayin let’s hit this site up.”
“Aight yo, let’s bounce.”

No, I’m not worried about myself. I know when to stop. Sometimes Nets comes around leaving me voice mails and stuff, but I tell him. “Sorry, I am a little involved in this here novel, do you mind checking back in two hours or so?” Because the internet respects you when you man up to him. I’m worried about my fellow citizens, the ones who don’t seem to be looking too hot right now. You know who you are because you’re having trouble reading this right now. Because you can’t read. Because you shorthand every possible word conceivable. You don’t even know what conceivable means. And no, I’m not talking about childbirth.

Oh yes brothers, the world will most definitely end soon. (as we know it) It became clear when a friend of mine told me someone he knew wrote on his facebook wall. “lol, you totally walked by me today…” This individual saw my friend, and waited until he was home and using his computer to acknowledge his presence. My advice, maybe you should say hi in real life next time…or irl. Holla at him analog. Is it going to be okay? I can’t say for certain, things look dire, it seems the only time the bros go out is to get drunk and have bro sex. But the minute we can get drunk and have sex online it's a done deal. But I for one wish I could laugh at the scientists again. They were soooooo dummmmb. How could they be right?

What do you mean I need to contact my ISP before I can enter?

What do you mean I need a T1 connection to start a conversation with her?