Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Good 2 Go!!!

I staged a coup the other day, as I so often do. I stage these coups for various reasons. This time it was a coup to prove I was right. Right about what? Does it really matter? I’m always right, right about life the universe and everything. You really want to know what I was right about this time eh? Okay, I’ll tell you what I did, and then tell you if it worked, and see if you can guess. As my sister came home from school one day I started dancing. Dancing and singing. I was singing, “Dig ‘em a grave, an’ put ‘em in a ‘ole.” This line over and over again. My dance simply corresponded with the lyrics of this very (to my knowledge) fictitious song. When she saw me at first, she laughed because I am not the keenest dancer, but then asked me what I was doing. Perfect I thought, everything is going according to plan. I proceeded to tell her she was missing out if she hasn’t heard the new Elephant Man single or seen the video, entitled: Put ‘em in a ‘ole.” She asked me if it was good. I told her it’s alright, he pretty much says, “Dig ‘em a grave, an’ put ‘em in a ‘ole.” a couple of times, and in the video they had girls doing it in camo shorts and tube tops.

"Oh yea?" She asked. Only slightly unconvinced.

It worked, my sister, very much into dancehall at least faintly believed that Elephant Man would make a song with the hook, “Dig ‘em a grave, an’ put ‘em in a ‘ole.” So I asked her, you don’t think it sounds dumb at all?

“Iunno I have to hear the song, see if the beat’s good.”


Alright so I told you what I did. Told you it worked. What was I right about? If you guessed that people will believe anything I tell them, you are right but missing the extended meaning. If you guessed that dancehall is just a beat with someone telling you to do dumb shit you are correct.

Okay, maybe I’m just playa hating but why do people want to listen to somebody tell them what to do over a beat. It’s not really a song, it’s more like dance instructions. Except, you are not on a beautifully shot beach at dawn, or in a gym filled with aerobic equipment. Instead you are at a dimly lit club with a couple of shady characters from New Jersey. Elephant Man is a dance instructor, not an artist. The most confusing part is that the dances lack imagination and creative flare, albeit funny to watch, I truly believe I could do a better job then him.

If you are anything like me you wish I would back up some of that talk with action. Anyone can say this artist and that artist suck. I don’t see you on the radio you’re thinking to yourself. Well that’s good, and I applaud your stance. That’s why I entered the music business as a dancehall artist. Instead of landing airplanes, driving cars, rowing boats and pretending you are a frog, I would make dances like, shoot the gun, dig ‘em a grave and hijack the plane. This would get the hardcore gangstas into my flow and increase my market share by at least 12%. You see its not pure dancehall, its gangsta dancehall which is a type of dancehall derivative, dancehall prime if you will. And it is about to take the world by storm.

The press would be all over me and my violent dance instructions. Dan Rather reports:

“Hardcore dancehall is a major problem in major urban centres around America, but even more so in the suburbs where the kids we actually care about are situated. Is your daughter listening to what is being called gangster dancehall?”

But my stage name would be Lil’ Bad Fish, and I’d just tell them the straight goods,

“Yo I grew up in the hoods, where all wees did was shoot guns and hijack planes, you can’t understand my struggle, I’m just a Bad Fish ya’ll.”

Geraldo Rivera reports:

“I’ll give you some signs to see if your children are listening to Lil’ Bad Fish as they’ve come to call this new dancehall artist who has spawned the creation ‘gangster dancehall’ and is corrupting the teen population with his outrageously violent dances. One, if while trying to scold your child for doing something, he or she tells you to 'shut yo ratted mout' without pronouncing the 'TH' sound at the end mouth you should note that this is a popular dancehaller phrase, also note this phrase can be exchanged with the word 'bloodclat'. Two, if after school they don’t come home immediately that is a dead give away they are listening to gangster dance hall. Three, do they pretend to shoot guns, dig graves or hijack planes? Because that is probably the best indication they are avid gangster dancehallers."

Obviously this media attention is merely free advertising. We all know there is no such thing as bad publicity, which is why I still can’t get Popozao out of my head. Once I release tour dates, senators, governors and mayers all over America will try to ban my coming, not to mention the country wide ban Canada will place on me. Naturally they will ask me how I feel about these bans, to which I will naturally reply,

"Shut yo bloodclat mout."

Of course this will only fuel the fire, and I’ll be selling so many copies iTunes will run out. In no time at all, every able bodied person will be dancing in the intoxication of my deadly dances. So if you want to get into what is going to be the biggest music explosion since Jazz. Keep a look out at your local dance halls, freestyle battles, b-boy sessions, all age clubs, or just anywhere highly impressionable young minorities like to chill.