The Truth About Infancy

There’s something I want to get off my chest. It’s a delicate subject and quite honestly I don’t know exactly how to approach it. Many of you love them, adore them, want to hold them kiss them and make funny faces in front of them. That’s right babies. Alright you’re thinking what exactly do you want to say about little Tom Tom. Well, I hate him. Wait no no, I’m not expressing myself well. It’s not that a hate baby Rick and tiny Julie. No, not hate at all. It’s just that…(sigh) babies are dumb, they are so dumb it borders on being absolutely ridiculous. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not hurting baby Fiona’s feelings, that dumb-ass baby is too dumb to know what feelings are, it can’t spell feelings, it doesn’t know what a “F” is. I’ve heard all the arguments before: It’s not the babies fault, it doesn’t know any better, someone has to teach it stuff, babies actually learn really really fast. I don’t believe that crap and you shouldn’t either. If you left a platter of baby food (yea babies are so special they need their own food now ^^) in front of a baby it would starve to death, that’s how stupid this baby creature is. It doesn’t know any better? Precisely my point, why the hell not know any better? Why not come out of the womb just a bit smarter, so they won’t shit themselves and lie in it for their entire life if someone doesn’t help the poor bastards out? Someone has to teach the baby in order for it to learn? Bullshit. I frigging taught myself guitar. There are animals out there whose mother leaves the baby the moment it’s born. Those animals aren’t extinct so I guess this process is working out pretty well. Babies learn really fast? That’s the biggest load of crap yet! I learned differential calculus in one semester of high-school. What’s that, like five months? How long does it take a baby to learn how to say “mom”? Surely you see what I’m getting at now. Furthermore, babies are selfish, inconsiderate beings. You’re doing all these things for this baby, feeding it, clothing it, letting it suckle on your breast and shit. Meanwhile it decides it’s not eating spaghetti today, it’s throwing spaghetti today, and you have to put up with it, cause if you don’t feed it, the dummy's gonna die. But I’m not gonna make too much of a deal about their rudeness because they’re probably too dumb to even realize their doing something wrong. It’s not that I dislike babies, babies are funny, and a lot of them are cute. They make great conversation starters, funny jokes, and water cooler discussion. Babies are alright, but don’t ever tell me you’re baby nephew is so smart, cause he isn’t, your nephew is a dumb bitch, yes he is. What does he do? O right! Nothing.